The root of domestic violence

A lot of NGOs, movements, and careers are being built these days around the issue of domestic violence. Quite expectedly, violence in the home has assumed a very dangerous dimension in recent times.

So far, I see so much efforts on condemning the abusers, who are predominantly men and a few women who took fatal steps to show their anger to their spouse. However, nothing much is said about the underlying causes of these domestic acts of violence including the subtle ones which usually involves emotional and verbal abuses.

As far as we know, there can't be violence at home if there is no issue of disrespect and lack of love. We are not going to go into the argument of which one comes first, husband loving his wife, warts and all or the wife respecting her husband even when he has lost his common sense. The key thing is that violence will erupt if any of these two ingredients are missing, it does not matter which one is the first to disappear.

The best anyone can get from a respect-less and love-less marriage is marital showmanship (we are Mr and Mrs parole), anniversaries and maybe a few visits to the maternity wards....there can't be real fulfilment.

So I will think that we need NGOs and missions focused on teaching women to respect and honour their husbands, in words and actions even after realizing they are smarter and probably earn more. The men should also be taught to love with awareness and deep compassion, this is now different from the love that was based on her being "correct babe".

Whether it is the woman that is being physically abused, or the woman that is either physically or verbally assaulting or daring/teasing her man provocatively, the outcome is always bad and destructive. It is disappointing to go through the hassles to get married to live like that, I believe a new level of education is required to manage this ugly trend. Get on board with your thoughts and ideas.

How couples forfeit marital benefits

 

Some people have reasons to believe that marriage is over-rated. This is simply because there are lots of marriages that are not maximizing the benefits and potentials or just dysfunctional. This situation has made so many singles conclude that marriage may not be a big deal after all.

What are those things that married people do that easily under-mine the value of marriage, condemn the couples to long term unhappiness and give singles reasons to despair?

Anger and Resentment

This has to top the list and often triggered by the disappointment of waking up to the reality of human frailties your spouse may be prone to. Anger and resentment steals the joy of marital relationship. My advice here is this; you cannot harbour these negative feelings for the rest of your life, reconcile with the facts, find the positives in your relationship and enjoy life to the full. After all, no one out there is perfect and no one will ever meet all your needs.

Finances

Money issues – my money or your money or our money or even no money. Too much or too little of it, anyway you look at it, money or absence of it is a potential spoiler in marriage if not well managed. Young couples have peculiar challenges with finances, you have so many dreams and plans but the resources are limited. Hey, be content, find joy where you are, give yourselves a chance, focus on developing yourselves and growing together, you will certainly get there.

Physical Intimacy

It is very easy for things to slow down in the bedroom, especially if there are anger and financial issues somewhere. It may even be the kids. This is a great error in marriage. Obviously, it takes emotional balance to be intimate, and there are times the emotions are dry due to challenges of everyday life. But why not be intimate first, you have nothing to lose.  You may have a different opinion; but the fact is that a sexually active marriage definitely stands a better chance irrespective of all other challenges. So you just need to work this out, you must.

Prayer

Prayer of agreement is so effective, so it is a great loss to live together and not generate power to accomplish your life mission through praying together. I think praying together goes further to keep you in the spirit and keep the atmosphere in the relationship sane and well regulated.

Extended Family

Not blending properly with the family on both sides has marred so many marriages. This is a tricky subject considering the intrusive nature of our parents even after we get married. It may take close to another 100 years for Africans to understand that marriage is between two people. Letting your marriage slide into a Chelsea vs Arsenal situation is always a mistake. Whatever happens, wherever you want to stand, please stand together as a couple and enjoy the power of oneness.

Social outings

Couples who want to maximize their union must go places together and should engage in mutually beneficial social activities. Don’t let the stress of life squeeze fun out of your existence. Outings, events, date nights, vacations and so on will certainly help you re-discover your lost grounds in terms of quality time together.

If you are missing out on any of these, don’t worry, decide to make a brand new start today and you will recover your lost marital benefits.

When Ladies do the chasing

This is a topic I will rather not write about. This is not because I cannot accept the possibility of the female folks picking their men all by themselves. It is rather because relationship is an exclusive arrangement between two adults and I do believe that how it happens is something unique to the individuals involved.

That said, I have been troubled by recent interest of a few female talk show anchors on the subject of asking men out or proposing to men. One of such would-be “men chasers” claimed she was driving and noticed a guy in another car at a traffic stop. She tried asking for his number while the traffic light was on red, but to her greatest shock, the guy told her to try some other time. Recently, I also watched a video of a lady who tried proposing to her boyfriend in a football stadium, what she got was not expected – the guy took to his heels.

Some have interpreted the few failed experiences they had trying to woo men as reluctance from the men folk caused by cultural inhibitions and old fashioned mind set. They claim Nigerian men are intimidated by bold women who know what they want. Could this be true?

I have a few thoughts on this.

The first thing is that men are predators, and no predator is afraid of catching a prey. No offence intended please. Guys are always looking out to meet babes, so why would a guy freak out when a lady makes the job easier? I don’t get it. Some have said that guys are too shocked to be “toasted” that they don’t know when they have rejected the lady without thinking. Some have said some guys just could not deal with it. I still believe a good predator will not run from a prey no matter how strange the situation is. I am convinced that there are more Nigerian guys out there who will welcome being wooed by ladies; at least, the “job” has been made easier. I am sure a lot of guys are also tired of being rejected and embarrassed by unwilling ladies and will welcome the change with much joy.

So why would a guy turn down a lady?  I can think of a couple of reasons.

The number one reason is wrong timing. Why do you want to exchange numbers at Maryland bus traffic stop when both of you are in two different cars. Too odd I must say and it smacks of desperation or maybe a joke for some blog.  Why not try him somewhere else – work place, classroom, social event or even church after you are sure you are not dealing with a kidnapper or something.

Next is the fact that before you make advances at a guy, have you checked his marital status? If he is married or about to wed, he may not be willing to throw everything he has away for all the pleasures of an easy catch. A good predator will not kill for fun; he could let the game walk by if he is already full.

Not all eligible bachelors are actually interested in relationship. Mark that. That the guy is good looking, rides a nice car and lives alone in a nice neighbourhood does not mean he needs a companion. You simply don’t know his story and his destination.  

I would also consider the issue of taste. Even if you catch him at the right time and right place, what if a quick glance at you tells him you are not just his type? Hey, it is wrong for women to expect to be accepted by every man they make advances at because that is not possible. Who told you that a man will roll on the floor just because a woman is chasing him? Men have dealt with rejection from ladies for ages. So babes, welcome to the club, learn how to receive answers, and it could be yes, no or simply...excuse me.......

Now that ladies have joined the “toasters” club, I don’t believe the rules will change for their sake. The rules remain, good timing, conducive place for exchange, the choice factor, a dose of persistence and rejection management skills.

On a final note, though I don’t believe that women asking men out is new, I am worried again that the call for liberty to “toast” is coming at a time the issue of rape is gaining good air time. I am not saying asking a man out means asking for rape but it will be good to advise that when you go toasting men, remember to apply common sense, go slow, and get to know the man. Remember that the speed at which you give your body to a man does not determine the quality and ultimate destination of the relationship.

Good luck ladies. Happy toasting and remember to share your experience here.

 

Preserving love in challenging times

 

We all want to fall in love and remain happily in love for as long as we live. Not an impossible task though, it's just that in life, things do happen that will shake the foundations of things we hold dear.

A lot of relationships, I mean a lot and not all, started on pleasant terms - everything was just ok at the beginning. Problem is that, life happens...government policies change, companies relocate or fold up, businesses collapse and graduates are stranded in the labour market.

How do you manage and adjust to change, especially the economic factors and still remain in love?

Like any other thing in life and relationships, there may not be a single formula, it all depends on the peculiar situation. Irrespective of what is lost, be it job, business, or even a dream, what matters is the commitment to work it out together.

Beyond commitment, the next factor will be humility. It does not matter who is bringing home the bacon, humility must be the watch word. Marriage should not end or become abusive simply because financial roles are reversed.

Someone has to make sacrifices. At times, both parties will have to sacrifice something, either their money or their pride to be able to turn the tide over time. Someone may need to go back to school, or learn a new skill and someone got to part with money or work harder to provide the required support.

The last thing I want to talk about is teamwork. Team work is necessary because ideas and support for pushing those ideas may be necessary on the pathway to recovery.

The worst thing that can happen to a partner whose condition has changed or who has not been able to achieve life aspirations is to lose the support and respect of the other partner. It is betrayal on the deepest level.  

On the flip side, victory will taste sweeter if you ride the waves and get to the other side to savour the victories together. At that point, what you get is not just love, but trust and deep assurance.

I pray your love is not tested, but if you do get there, just know that you can come out stronger and even better.

Please drop your comments, we will like to share from your experience on this or related issues.

One Good Marriage Advice

Is there a silver bullet for marital challenges? Could there be a one-cure-all solution to the many malaise of matrimony?

At the risk of sounding like one of those “Dr Do Good”, those quack mobile Pharmacists you find at motor parks and intra-city buses, I will think communication is one very big highly under-estimated tool for marital fulfilment.

Think about it this way, how did it all start, I mean the relationship? You met, exchanged pleasantries, you liked the sound in your ears, you texted, called, met again and again, call over long distance, some did night browsing so that they could chat on Yahoo Messenger, that was long before mobile phones or mobile internet. So we actually know how to communicate.

Modern day relationships are heavy in communication at the beginning with the myriads of channels available today. I am almost certain that no one loses relationships these days for lost of contact. I am also sure that people don’t deliberately walk into “dry marriages”.

So how come a lot of marriages are strained and crumbling for reasons like irreconcilable differences, “I don’t understand him/her anymore”, “I can’t cope with him/her” and so on?

I realized that almost all reasons for unhappy or failed marriages can nearly always be traced to either quality or quantity of communication.  One major culprit here is that fact that the dynamics of communication changes post-marriage, a lot of people hardly prepare for some of these things or life just hit them unfairly. You now have different channels on your marital decoder...channel 100 is for house rent, 110 is diapers and baby food, 120 is for school fees, 130 may be for family issues while 140 may be work/business/career challenges. A lot of mis-communication happens at this realm but the greater calamity of marriage is when couples don’t create a channel for communicating beyond the chores of marital life. You need to tend the relationship because well nourished relationships fare better with the other issues of life – just imagine house rent falling due when the relationship is in frustration mode.

A working relationship is a communicating relationship with both couples sending and receiving signals on their deepest thoughts and needs without fear of judgment but with respect. Every problem you can imagine can be discussed, be it money, sex, in-laws or even number of kids. It is funny how a man/woman outside will be a better confidant than a spouse at home, it is called emotional infidelity, and it’s usually a few steps away from adultery. A lot of married folks have gotten themselves into shameful situations just because they felt they needed something they could not tell their spouse about.

That brings me to my last point; there are inhibitions to positive communication. That will include fear, which leads to self-censorship and eventually communication freeze.  There are people who can’t just communicate without being disrespectful or manipulative communicators who just want to do FYI (“for your information - I don’t need your opinion”), there is also stereotyping....”he/she never listens or never agrees to what I say”. Avoid these pitfalls and cultivate a free channel for positive and fruitful communication.

Marriage is mankind’s greatest opportunity for warmth, comfort, and love in a safe environment. But you can only get all these when the relationship works, and a working relationship is one where both parties are active and positive communicators.

 

 

Domestic Violence: Looking Beyond the Gender Politics

Once upon a time, the sight of a man “disciplining” a woman was a familiar one. We can all think back to the couple next door who will engage in some fight once in awhile.  I have heard Ladies saying that they expect a man who loves them to handle them “strongly”. There are also instances of men who have lived under the same roof with very physically aggressive women; these sorts of men are usually mockingly referred to as “woman wrapper” in the neighbourhood.

Whichever way you want to look at it, violence is part of the sinful human nature which is nurtured by anger and lack of self control. Domestic violence itself is nothing new, even though it is receiving greater focus these days than ever before. The bottom line is this, violence of any sort, whether at home, on the road, in the offices, in places of worship, be it emotionally inflicted, financially imposed or physical administered has always been wrong.

I became worried when I noticed that majority of the advocates against domestic violence have positioned their cause to imply that the victim is always the woman. The woman as a victim of domestic violence is understating the problem, and if we do not adjust the focus of the struggle, we may never win the war; we may win the battle by getting women to leave the so called “abusive relationships”, but do nothing to prevent the victim from being abused again in subsequent relationships. Domestic violence is larger than wife beating, it includes verbal attacks, emotional blackmail and torment, and even handling the kids with so much “iron hand” and excessive outbursts and screaming.  It is true that a child brought up by angry bitter parents will most likely have intolerant temper and end up in a violent relationship.

We have so changed; civilization has made things that were possible years ago to become unthinkable. Things that were tolerated years ago are no longer acceptable. Women have become more economically empowered, less dependent on men, more vocal and obviously more demanding of positive behaviours from their men. In this new world, how a woman balances the power she now has with relating with her man can make or mar a relationship.  A lot of marriages are either silently crumbling or physically exploding all because of the power tussle, contest of superiority and battle for relevance between the man and his woman.  Money, sex, kids, mode or place of worship, extended family issues, relationship with opposite sex, even job among other routine issues presents potential for violent conflicts in relationships. Most of the conflicts is solely due to lack of an acceptable decision making model. Is it the man that calls all the shots, is it the Wife or is it joint, and if it is a tie, how is a truce brokered?

In every case of domestic violence, I believe there are always at least two victims. A man who has physically abused his wife will most likely have been verbally and emotionally abused and demeaned. I have never seen a man beat up a “sweet and lovely” woman who has mastered the art of positive communication.  Violence is a natural response to violence of some sorts; remember the law of seed time and harvest. Likewise, a woman who has decided to either physically harass the husband or pour vitriolic verbal vituperations on him leaving his ego mutilated and his manly confidence annihilated must have been exposed to some level of frustrations and disappointments in the relationship. A mother who inflicts so much pain on the kids must have either been tormented as a kid or reacting to the turbulence in her marital relationship.  

Therefore, while some people will like to build NGOs around rescuing women from violent men, I will like to advise for the sake of maintaining a sane society with strong family values, we should not just pull the woman out of the “hole” of domestic violence, we should try to help all the other victims involved, the husband and the kids, if any....they are all victims. 

I conclude therefore that since it is no longer acceptable for anybody to be beaten up, the man or the woman, and it is obviously not acceptable to verbally abuse or emotionally torment another, then it becomes imperative for couples and even singles planning on getting married to understand the power of positive communication, master their temperaments, manage their anger, understand how to agree and disagree without creating storms, fight fairly – no hitting below the belt, and learn the rudiments of mutual respect.  If we must be different from our ancestors who were comfortable with battering and abuse, we must know what they did not know and act differently.

No Good Marriage for Lazy Man/Woman

 

Social media has now provided an anonymous platform for people to table their life matters for discussions. The quality of responses submitted by these very faceless advisers is a story for another day. It is very common now to find questions on various blogs on what to do to revive marriages – wait for it, most of them not more than 1 year after the wedding.

Question is, what is it that is so terribly wrong in a relationship that within one year, the individuals involved are now total strangers and feeling so frustrated?

I may not have all the answers, but I think this generation has got lots of work to do to make marriages work. This is a generation that knows so much about how sweet marriage should be but do nothing to prepare for it. This generation spends so much time looking for the ideal guy or girl with emphasis on materialism and unsustainable fantasies, forgetting that marriage is a world of reality. This is a generation that starts giving and receiving love so early to the wrong people and by the time, marriage comes along, either there is nothing left to give, or mental blocks and stereotypes have built up walls that the partner cannot penetrate.  We get married thinking we have it all sorted out and Miss or Mr Right well secured, only to wake up to find out that he or she is as human as any other person you probably dumped. We get married either thinking all the good things we see will remain permanent and the bad ones will go away, but what happens if change happens, what will you do if he or she will just not meet your expectation to adopt certain changes you had envisaged?

For real, hopes dashed can crush the heart and send couples in different directions. However, it boils down to your understanding of love which you professed before taking the marriage vows.  If it was really love, it should be strong enough look at your disappointments with the eye of unconditional love. Chances are that if you sacrificially invest love and mercy on your imperfect spouse, you will likely receive same in a rich measure.

Wedding is an event, and can be compared to the day you work into an auto dealer’s yard to pick the latest model of your favourite car. Guess what, as you are celebrating your acquisition, you will most likely get a call from the Service Rep whose job is to tell you about the maintenance plan – You need to visit for servicing after just 30 days and periodically thereafter in a very deliberate and systematic way. Ladies and Gentlemen, I know you thought you married the best guy or babe in town, do you have a work/maintenance plan to keep the marriage running smoothly without any of you drifting apart?  How do you sift your emotional connection time from the myriads of family challenges that will come up for discussions every day? How do you disagree respectfully over various tricky issues that you never knew you had varying opinion?  How do you plan to stay loving, lovely and committed emotionally irrespective of any challenge that will come?

When married people get into affairs, they resume the good things they have stopped doing for their spouses, affairs are sweet because people work hard to meet their sin partners’ needs, and I must say that, the other man or woman in an affair is usually as imperfect as anyone else - why not work on making your marriage great today?

How to Manage a Single Income Household

Every good Marriage Counsellor will tell you to get married to someone you love who also has potentials to create some income. This counsel is on point because “two is better than one”, and this principle applies to every area of life including family finance.  Without prejudice to peculiar situations where one of the spouses is extremely rich, and a second income is not required, for ordinary folks like you and I, combined income will certainly take you further in life than a single source.

As a matter of fact, single sourced family income is one of the biggest issues in marriage. It does not matter whether the job goes or stays, the mere fact that the destiny of a man, his wife and probably kids is depending on one source is enough to cause stress in the family. We have had bitter cases where marital love flies out of the window and couples begin to do the most bizarre things when the single source of income ceases to produce.

As desirable as it is to have both partners contributing financially, due to economic and social constraints, circumstances abound where families just could not avoid living with a single source of income. We can pray and try to change the situation, but how do you live with the situation and still be able to meet your family’s long term aspirations?

Learn Budgeting

Having a financial plan for each year, month, week, and days will help your family to follow a safe roadmap that can lead to tangible results.  The partner earning income has to be transparent to share the plan with the other spouse, and with transparency comes discipline that is critical to budget implementation.

Cut the Fat

It is important you shed the weight at this time. Every unnecessary attachments and appendages with financial impacts must give way. It is important you steer your family to safe harbours financially before you begin to think of those ever present extended family commitments. Remember, a drowning man will certainly stand a chance of survival if he is not hugging his baggage.

Step Down

I am sorry to say this, as it may not sound very tasteful. There are times when you need to scale down on your tastes and lifestyle choices. This may mean moving out of that expensive neighbourhood, cancelling that exotic vacation or even opting for a cheaper but efficient car.  Stepping down helps you to at least be real with yourself and sets the stage for faster financial recovery.

Deploy the available additional capacity

Why use two housemaids when Mrs is unemployed? What is wrong with Mr dropping off and picking Madam at work every day and save the cost of driver’s salary?  I tell you, couples can achieve amazing things if they learn to collaborate with each other in times when one of them is redundant.  This is also the best time to explore possibilities that you could hardly think of when both of you were working. Most importantly, instead of drifting apart due to financial pressure, this can be an incredible time to bond with your spouse doing things you could hardly ever find time to do before.

Go for wealth creation

A sudden job loss or career accident can be a great opportunity for a life changing turnaround. I hear stories of women looking for job for 10 years, and their husbands are gainfully employed. There is something wrong with that. Man/woman, instead of looking down on your jobless wife or husband, due to the years of fruitless job search, you can discipline yourself and save your earnings to provide capital for a great business idea that will take your family to the next level.  Capital raising experts maintain that the easiest source of seed capital is what is called the 3 Fs, Family, Friends and Fools. When you invest in your spouse, you are directly investing in your own future.

There maybe more, but I believe with these few, you will overcome the despondency and bitterness so common with carrying the financial burden of an entire family, and begin to soar towards financial comfort.

 

How "Packaging" Wrecks Relationships

Ever wonder why a man and woman who just few months back were gazing into each other’s eyes with so much admiration and deep feelings of emotional contentment will suddenly fall into despair and regrets over their marital choice? Here are some of the reasons marriage is seen as the best eye opener ever known to mankind.  In other words, we are highlighting those things that changing them will jeopardize the relationship, changing these things may be interpreted by your spouse as false advertisement, you showed him or her one brand proposal and what he or she gets happens to be something else.  Ouch.....this can hurt badly, no one like to be deceived.

Your level of Spirituality or religious/social convictions

Hey, if you did not come clean on what you truly are, there will be issues. Did you try to appear to be comfortable with regular life of the “joneses” when in actual fact you are supposed to be “spirikoko”? You are a tongue speaking Sister, but you played along with him doing the nightclub routines until he proposed? Or is it that you joined the Prayer Team or Choir to try and appear spiritual when in actual fact you don’t have the intention and capacity to operate at that level after marriage? Watch it, you may be advertising falsely and your spouse may not find it funny to have gotten a wrong product.

You were supposed to financially conservative

While some Ladies will make their intention to help the man spend his money very clear from the onset, some smart Ladies will enter the scene and capture the ring without presenting any serious financial challenge.  That is alright for any man, but trouble comes when she settles in and starts to submit bank breaking expenditure proposals.  It may be the guy who started out as a free spender, only to contract his level of generosity after the deed was done. Both ways, it will be seen as brand integrity issue.

From Miss Independent to “Mrs I need You every minute”

You have to know what kind of woman a man needs for a wife and be sure it is your type. Some of us guys will need a strong woman with a mind of her own who can  deal with issues when we are out there. If you know you are the type that wants your husband with you even while shopping for yam and beans, you may need to look for your man elsewhere.  Babe, it is not enough that the guy is an oil company worker, have you got what it takes to manage loneliness when he is offshore? Do you know you need grace to be a Pastor or even a banker’s wife? Is your man a smart upcoming consulting professional?  Please count the cost of future lonely days before you say I do.

Come to Me Babe, I will take care of you....

Guys, you knew all your strategies have failed, and you decided to play the big boy card, tell her she does not need to worry about anything in life the day she marries you. Are you kidding me? Hello, did I see your father’s name in the Forbes list of richest men in the world? If not, you and your deceived wife are on a “long thing”. First of all, you don’t even mean what you have told her, but trouble is, she doesn’t know. Hmn, I smell serious trouble the day she says she is tired of either working or looking for job.

You are so gentle that you cannot even hurt a fly

Are you really as gentle, tolerant, and forgiving as you are appearing to be before you tie the knots? I know people will take anything that their potential spouse throws at them, just to get the person to accept the proposal, but can you sustain that level of patience and endurance when you get in? If this sterling qualities were the selling point, failure to sustain them will spell crisis, don’t forget that your spouse had options, which also includes dealing upfront with the real you and deciding whether he or she can cope.

You appear to be the Modern day Romeo or Juliet

You epitomize romance and adventure, is this really you? Can you truly sustain this “ogbono feli feli” level of romantic dispositions?  We have heard married people saying they don’t like sex or too much sex (I don’t even know what that means anyway), you begin to wonder why they could not proceed to the convent instead of wasting everybody’s time getting into marriage.   If your pre-marital romantic escapades and gymnastics is just a project, then the fellow that falls for it will be so disappointed when the project is over.

Do you really mean you love his family members?

You said his mother is so cute and lovely, and you love everything about his family, are you serious?  Will you still say the same thing if the guy invites Mama over to stay for awhile? Guy, when you noticed that your wife has some close affinity with her younger sister, you should know two people will be moving into your house after the wedding.  It takes awhile for couples to walk around these family issues, some marriages are either destroyed or badly damaged in the process.

You were all so homely

You set out to be the perfect home girl, but within you, you can’t wait for the wedding to be over before you tell him how many housemaids and household gadgets you need. A smart guy who wants to save some money before the kids start arriving would have married the “home girl” version of you to achieve that purpose, how frustrated he will be to know that he has to get house helps and machines almost immediately.

 I have also heard about guys who pretended they don’t eat at home, always Chinese, Mexican and all the exotic spots in town, you will be making your new bride regret the day she met you when you suddenly demand for a freshly home-made bowl of egusi soup and pounded yam.

What is really your life ambition?

This is another area of crisis and disillusionment for newlyweds.  Some folks will wait until after their wedding to suddenly lose all aspirations and passion for career or business, or in some cases begin to make confusing choices. There are cases where women suddenly said they are tired of working after getting married; this is usually to the chagrin of their career women loving husbands.  Both men and women struggle with spouses who apparently have no desire to pursue any clear aspirations.

Meet the Superman or Woman

You will not believe that people go through courtship hiding their most vulnerable life struggles. They will rather lie to avoid being seen by their potential mates during these vulnerable moments.  None of us is made up of strengths only, we all have weaknesses and issues, it is one thing to avoid opening your entire baggage on the first date, it is another thing to move into matrimony with the dirt bag sealed; The rot may be too bad to handle after awhile if sealed for too long.

Well, not keeping brand promises is actually a serious marketing crime which can kill the product. It can be that bad. So if you are single, be careful about what you are advertising to your potential spouses, be careful not to over-promise and later under-deliver; and if you are married, remember the contents of your product proposals. Well, if your relationship has suffered brand damage or loss in market share due to these issues, don’t give up just yet, re-visit your strategies and set out to satisfy your spouse or negotiate where delivery is no longer feasible.

Overcoming Discouragement in Marital Relationships

As we look forward to the New Year with hopes of getting better bargains in different areas of life, one aspect of life that has to be taken into consideration is our love and marital relationships.  It is important we prosper in this area of life just the way we expect to flourish in finance, health, and even spirituality.

It is quite clear that marital stability, peace and harmony has a great potential to free you to pursue your other life aspirations without any encumbrances.  It is also becoming very clear that relationship challenges represent the biggest nightmare of the modern day Christian, single and married alike.

The online media is presently awashed with reports of a wife who physically assaulted and brutally injured the husband over his inability to take care of the home. At the same time, there is another case of a celebrity who just announced her divorce from her 7 months old marriage over irreconcilable differences.  You will see different comments on these issues and you may want to get confused over what should be or what should not. Truth is, this could have happened to anybody, we don’t have to be judgemental over these issues, but we can learn from these experiences.

The greatest nail that will hit a marriage is discouragement – that is when you give up! At this stage, you do not think there will be any change, you have exhausted your patience, or your disappointment over what has become of your once darling spouse has gotten to your nerves. Ladies and Gentlemen, experience as a single and married person has taught me that all relationships will have issues somewhere down the road, and all our lovely partners will manifest shortcomings sooner or later. Were you thinking of walking out on your man or women in 2014? Please think twice, the next man or woman you will meet  is also a baggage of issues you are yet to see. Scary isn’t it? You equally have a ton or even lorry load of issues which will take another pair of eyes to uncover, which is why marriage cannot survive if we don’t learn how to show mercy.

I will caution therefore, that no matter how short-changed we feel about our mates, please temper justice with mercy, knowing full well that you are not perfect too.  Always remember that you were once attracted to this fellow, where did all the passion go, at what point did you allow faults to overcome the strength of your partner, I beg of you, look for those strong points in him or her again, every human being blossoms in adoration, if you keep tapping into his or her strong points, with time, you will see nothing of the weaknesses. It is because we want to force them to correct all the weaknesses in the first few weeks or months of marriage, that we have irreconcilable differences and the marriage is thrown into the trash can of a painful history.

If you find yourself as the sole bread winner of the home, take it as an assignment from God. I don’t think you intentionally went out to marry a jobless man or women, this is life, things happen and things change, it could have been you that is jobless. I have seen sacrilegious cases of women hooking up with their ex-boyfriends (single and married alike) just because their husbands were out of job, in the name of survival, what happens to dignity and sanctity of marriage?

I heard a testimony of a Sister recently, she was a high flying banker when her husband was earning N40,000 per month. She reduced the man to houseboy and cook since she was the one paying the rents. Few years down the line, she is out of job, and the husband is a General Manager earning over N600,000 per month. She is now so humbled by her wicked acts and the relentless love the husband has showed her that she has decided to tell her story.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we enter the new year, let us have hope, most people get married in good times, but let us be steadfast and trust God when the storms come or even when expectations are not met, don’t jump ship because there is storm,  remember, no condition is permanent. 

Remember the story of Michelle and Barack Obama, Barrack was an ordinary community worker who was still struggling to pay tuition debts years after getting married and Michelle was there through the painful years, but now, their address is the White House.

Stand firm by him or her, your own White House experience is on the way!

This Golden Eaglets, Age and the future of Nigerian Sports

It has become a routine for self-styled age analysts to begin to raise issues any time Nigerian age grade Teams are making impact at the world stage. It is only when our Youth Teams are better prepared and more talented than their counterparts from other parts of the world that Nigerians who seemingly don’t like good things will begin to ask questions on the integrity of the ages and durability of the players. Usually, when we participate in such tournaments and fail, what usually follows is huge wave of criticisms on the players and coaching crew, and such critics will not usually remember to suggest how such players who could not deliver could be improved to deliver at other levels in future.

 It is a shame that even professional sports analysts and media personalities still could not resist the temptation to disparage Nigerian Youth Teams over age issues even after FIFA, the world football governing body has introduced the MRI testing process to detect over-aged players.  In 2009, our Team was beaten by the visibly bigger Swiss U - 17 Team to lift the Trophy right at our backyard here in Lagos, and nobody cried foul, even the Swede Team at the 2013 UAE U - 17 Tourney are imposing in stature compared to the very youthful and boyish looking Nigerian lads. I just wonder why we have to be so unnecessarily self-righteous and hypocritical. If you don’t have proof that someone was born in a particular year, and the process established to confirm the passport age did not throw up any issue, please why not appreciate the fact that someone has done a good job in assembling a Team of young lads from Nigeria who are taking the world by storm.

The next concern of most critics has to do with  if these great players of this stage will become truly great in future, if they will ever match Ronaldo or Messi. Some has gone ahead to ask for the whereabouts of players like  Macaulay Chrisanthus of the Korea 2007 fame and Sani Emmanuel of the Nigeria 2009, as if it is so hard to run a simple internet query to find out where these players are. Some even will go to the extent of comparing John Mikel Obi’s progress with Lionel Messi who were silver and golden ball winners respectively at the 2005 U - 21 World Cup. Frankly, these are all lame and ignorant and baseless queries. Why compare Macaulay with Toni Kroos, what about his own Team mates like the bulky Richard Sukuta-Pasu who tormented the other U-17s as a striker but is nowhere near the German national Team at the moment?

 First of all, in life, it is not every member of a particular class that will go on to become Doctors, Lawyers, Civil Servants and the rest at the same time. People will always take different paths with diverse outcomes and implications for their future. It is not only in Nigeria that you find players from a particular Team fizzling out after the tournament. People are always quick to mention Luis Figo of Scotland ’89 U – 17 World Cup, it is true he played for long, but it is also true that some members of the Nigerian Team at the same tournament like Victor Ikpeba, Godwin Okpara and Benedict Akwuegbu also went far in their careers while most of Figo’s  Portuguese ’89 Team mates also fizzled out.

I can’t remember how many Brazilian players of the Nigeria ’99 fame made as much impact as Ronaldinho and probably Julio Cesar. The Argentine Team at Holland 2005 gave the world Lionel Messi,  but which of his other team mates have achieved Messi’s type of career feats? In every case, you have players who will stand out internationally, and some who will retire to local reckoning and some who will remain average achievers, this is true for both Nigeria and every other country, that is why the likes of Joseph Yobo and Rabiu Afolabi of Nigeria ‘99 are still active and John Obi Mikel, Onyekachi Apam, Chinedu Ogbuke and the rest of the 2005 Flying Eagles Squad are still doing their bit all over the world.

 The point here is that, age grade competition is more of a platform for budding talents but not every single member of a Team will become superstars in every sense of the word, it is just not possible.

It is even unfair to compare the progress of an African player struggling to make it in Europe with an indigenous European born or bred kid without considering the constraints and challenges. Toni Kroos will always do better than Chrisanthus because he is German and playing in the German League.  Don’t forget the rules on the number of non-EU players that can feature for a European side. Do you think this is not a limiting factor on the careers of most African players? Chrisanthus was in Germany for awhile and has moved to the Spanish lower rung league. Sani Emmanuel struggled to find a place at Lazio, where his Team Mate, Onazi Ogenyi  has established himself, and he has consequently moved to the Swiss League to explore his opportunities further.  Even European players as well as their South American counter-parts go through spells at the lower rungs or less fancied Teams. I remember Ronaldo made his European debut through the Dutch side PSV Eindhoven even after lifting the 1994 World Cup with Brazil, the very lethal Carlos Tevez played for West Ham United, so please, our former youth players are not lost, you can find them if you want and they still have a chance to make it big. If you check well on the internet, you will see the history of every player, and you will know that some of our former youth team players have indeed been active in different parts of the world. If you are concerned that they are not in the big Teams, ask yourself, are all ex-youth internationals from Spain playing for FC Barcelona or Real Madrid, were they all called up to the Senior Team?

The Senior National Team cannot contain everybody at the same time, even Bojan of the 2007 Spanish U - 17 Team is yet to make it in the national team, but our own Lukman Haruna from the same tournament has one World Cup appearance under his belt while Ogenyi Onazi and Kenneth Omeruo of the 2009 edition have won the African Nations Cup already and heading to Brazil 2014. Kanu Nwankwo, Wilson Oruma, Celestine Babayaro and Mobi Oparaku were instant hits with the senior Teams after Japan ’93 U – 17 World Cup and Kanu has gone on to become a legend that represents football globally.  Meanwhile, no one from the Argentine Team at the 1993 fiesta got any form of international fame, but the Italians who finished bottom of their group managed to give us Gianluigi Buffon and Francesco Totti. Nduka Ugbade, first black man to lift a FIFA World Cup at the China ’85 U - 17 Tournament represented Nigeria into the ‘90s and he alongside Manu Garba and another ex - Youth International Emmanuel Amuneke are tutoring this current world beating Golden Eaglets side.

So how can you prove that Nigeria players do not progress after age grade tournaments or how can you validly assert that it is only Nigerian players that fail to advance after the age grade tourneys?

I wonder why nobody ever asked about the Egyptians, Tunisians and Algerian players who also attend these tournaments - they all become stars in their local leagues.  This is now the heart of the issue. The major reason why pundits will believe our players don’t make impact after these youth tournaments is that the bulk of them will not make it to Europe after the tournaments, and we rate success only by what a player achieves in Europe, sadly though. It is unfortunate that we do not watch the local league, otherwise, you will notice that we have so many ex - youth internationals providing quality services in the local league. But unfortunately, since the local league is unappreciated, poorly covered and draws no special attention, these players too struggle through their careers in oblivion, and therefore easily get maligned by pundits as age cheats who failed to achieve their potentials. This is very unfair.

I would have loved to say that we should create a platform to transition our youth players to European Leagues to ensure they remain visible and relevant, but apart from the fact that this is not  a very patriotic recommendation, the restrictions and the market driven nature of the Leagues abroad will not allow such wholesale trafficking of young players.

So the only option left is for us as a nation is to invest seriously in sport academies, improve the quality and coverage as well as followership of the local leagues and ensure all first tier League Teams have Youth/Feeders Team structure for continuous transition. We should also find means to create more sport facilities at Local Government levels to ensure kids at the grassroots level develop their sports instincts earlier on in their lives. By doing all these, we will be able to develop and groom young talents on an ongoing basis and Nigeria will be able to impress the world every time.

As we celebrate the achievements of the UAE 2013 Golden Eaglets, we should be hopeful that with little efforts from all stakeholders, Kelechi Iheanacho, who has been rated by fifa.com as one of the best player of all times at the U - 17 level and his other extremely talented colleagues like Musa Yahaya, Abdullahi  Alfa, Isaac Success, Taiwo Awoniyi and others will be around for a long time to come and Nigeria football will be better for it.

Common Mis-conceptions on Marriage and Relationships

Some commonly used marriage related phrases are not completely true and prone to leading people in wrong directions. Well, they may sound true to you depending on your background, but maybe going through them again may give you a different perspective.

You can make mistakes in other areas of life and recover, but not in marriage

Nothing can be more false than this. For fear of making mistakes, many are crippled and condemned to singlehood. There is no mistake, including marital mistakes that you cannot recover from. Sometimes, recovering from marital mistakes can be the easiest, all it requires at times is for you to change your perspectives and expectations, or maybe seeing the glass as half full instead of as half empty. Even the best choices soon appear like mistakes, while some potentially poor match ups end up well, it is all in the mind.

Marriage is not meant to be endured but enjoyed

I am a fan of marriage being fun and enjoyment. But what is it in life that is all fun and no stress? My friend, we will need to endure to have a lasting marriage.  Changes will occur at different stages of the marriage in different areas, and it is the ability to patiently navigate the issues that will determine how far the marriage will go. The enjoyment at all cost mentality could be the reason many cannot survive the first storm that visit their union. Life will give you stuffs, sweet and bitter, you must learn to enjoy the fun and manage the pains.

Love will see you through

Love is indeed powerful, but marriage requires more than love. People who were passionately in love few months back are getting divorced. You need knowledge and wisdom to deal with the issues of life that all marriages are exposed to. If you have the right tools in addition to love, you will virtually have a blissful marriage.

You must marry your best friend

It is very important you marry someone you know well, someone who understands you.  However, even if you are the lucky type that grew friendship from primary school level and ended in marriage, even friendships do have downtimes. Have you not had different best friends throughout different seasons of life? Even best friends have issues at times, and sometimes end up going their separate ways. What I think is most important is to marry someone who understands that marriage is a long term commitment, your best friend may not always have that understanding, if he or she does, lucky you.

Your mate must be compatible with you

This is the greatest lie of all time, quote me anywhere. Do you really think you will like to spend the rest of your life with your own “photocopy”?  It is good to be with someone of like mind, but truth is, with time, you will realize you still have areas of differences. I am sorry to disappoint you, we are all unique and different, no one is compatible with anyone. If you want to succeed in relationship, embrace diversity and learn to explore the differences in your spouse to the advantage of the union.

.......Types of people you must not marry

This is the title of so many books on relationship.  I went through one of such books and I concluded that the title of the book should be changed to “There is nobody to marry”. Humanity is short in glory, and you will never find that person whose flaws are not in the list of people you must avoid. It is either you marry and accept the flaws, or you allow someone deceive you into believing that he or she has no flaws, your shock at the end may send waves that will sink the marriage.

Your husband or wife must remain your boyfriend or girlfriend

This is assuming everybody had boyfriend or girlfriend. For you to appreciate how mis-leading this is, can you tell what the life of boyfriend/girlfriend is like? You probably had excess cash, your babe comes over, no kids, no bills and nothing to worry about, so you spend your time without distraction and maybe visit the best fun spots in town. Marriage comes with kids, baby food, school fees, expensive house rent, and some career choices that can keep the couple busy all year round. There is a place for balance, but you can never have that kind of free time and free money anymore (except you are from the Omo Baba Olowo clan of course). Maturity to accept what has changed and make the best out of it is key to sustaining a long term relationship.

The man’s job is to provide for the family

This statement negates God’s purpose for marriage. If all a woman will do is to sit back and “chop”, then God did not have to create Eve for Adam. God’s idea of help mate is not fulfilled with a woman who only collects cash and spends, I can’t see any help in spending money, I can spend my money myself. A woman should come into marriage with some value she can add to the family. The man is called to be the head of the home, but he will achieve more if the woman in his life is carrying out her assignment of being a help mate.

My thoughts actually, you can disagree.

I will marry you, if you don’t have a Mother!

It may seem inappropriate to say, that it has become quite common to find young women praying to meet a suitor whose mother is already dead. In other words, a guy’s prospects out of the many suitors on ground can be improved if his mother is no longer alive. This sounds very morbid, isn’t it?

Marriage, which is every mothers’ dream for their sons usually begin to turn to nightmares as the battle for control of the guy’s heart between the wife and the mother often squeezes energy and life itself out of the relationship. The mothers usually find it difficult to believe that another woman, who just emerged from nowhere, has the capability to make her son comfortable, and the wives will wonder why Mama cannot focus on her own husband and let her enjoy her own marriage.

This scenario is not limited to mother in-laws. You can also have meddlesome and never-let go father in-laws who are so obsessed with their daughters that they will like the daughters’ husbands to take instructions from them on how to run their homes.

There are instances where the mother in-law may not even want to interfere, but a young wife will initiate a war to ensure the remnants of family relationships of her husband is destroyed and the husband is completely detached from the rest of his family. Nothing wrong in having your hubby to yourself actually, but the problem is always that she will keep her own family associations intact, while making the guy a stranger in his own family.

It is well known that in this part of the world, we traditionally abuse family relationships, otherwise, why should you want to move into your son’s house after he has gotten married? Why is it after a lady gets married that all the siblings that her parents could not train will like to gain admission?  I bet you, most of the marital crisis associated with family issues is caused by things that are not directly beneficial to the couple and their own future – it is often the interest of elements in either or both families who probably want the marriage to fulfil their own expectations.

It is important we begin to sound it clearly to parents, marriage of your kids is not meant to fulfil your own expectations, design and agenda, and it is not meant to complete what you started in your own life. A young man and woman getting married is like a fresh seed with its own distinct purpose.

I think the golden rule is for parents to give out their children in marriage with the understanding that they are now independent. That also presupposes that you have trained your sons and daughters on what it means to be independent in a new family unit.  I think some parents will want to hover around their kid’s homes because they are not sure where and when things will go wrong. Crisis becomes escalated when parents from both sides are hovering in nature; this is a recipe for marital crisis.

Dear Friends, you don’t need a dead mother in-law. All you need are in-laws who understand their exact roles in the marriage. Don’t forget that every daughter in-law will one day become a mother in-law.

Moving on from an Expired Relationship

Do you think it may be a bit sacrilegious to classify “letting go” as an art? Art is basically an expression of human creative skill and imagination. Letting go of past events, past huts, past lovers and relationships has been so challenging to many people, that I personally feel there is need to apply some level of skills and superior thought processes to be able to make progress.

People easily blame their present predicaments on some certain past events. If I had passed that exam, I would have been rich today, If that guy did not dump me, I would have been happier today, if my parents were not poor, I would have made it, these are all good excuses for failure and unhappiness, but the issue is, would you rather not move away from your point of failure and find a way to make life a bit more meaningful?

There are people who are married but cannot find peace and satisfaction in their spouses because they are still living in their past. There are people whose greatest fan and confidants are their former lovers. There are people who are not married because they are stuck with the image of what they lost, they keep comparing every potential spouse with the one that left them to marry someone else. It is gone, please wake up and smell the coffee.

There are ladies and guys out there who prefer to seduce their married ex-lovers just to prove that “the love is still there, we are meant for each other”, there are also single men and women who exploit the past and the vulnerabilities of their ex-lovers to prove that marriage is a fluke after all. These categories of people are not only doing damage to their married friends but also stagnating themselves.
How do you know that you are still hooked on someone? You are probably sniffing around his or her social media profiles to see what is new in his or her life. You maintain constant communication secretly and unknown to your current partner.  You were not invited to the wedding, but you found your way there. You are at the point of getting married, and you are bent on having your ex present at the wedding without your spouse knowing.  You take time to find out who he or she eventually got married to, and sometimes you may still be in touch with some members of his or her family. Perhaps you keep comparing your current spouse with the former one, and in some cases, people actually retain the old relationship in its entirety.....ouch.

So how do you really prevent the past from messing up with your future?  I tell you the truth, deleting the number, burning photographs, or deleting social media profiles will not work. I am sorry. So what works?

 It is the battle of the mind; it is in your thoughts and the very depths of your soul. If you want to burn bridges, burn it from your very soul, and the best way to it is to tell yourself the truth – it did not work out for a reason, for a purpose, it is over, just move on. If you allow that message to sink into your soul, it is more likely you will heal faster and move on very well to even better things.

Another way to deal with the past is to know that your very best is always ahead of you. You may think what you had was the best that can ever be, if you can open up your mind again, you will realise that it can always be better.

You need to also know that no two individuals or situations are the same, develop contentment and maximise your life at the very place you have found yourself.

There are times when an ex partner becomes randy and begin to seduce you to probably use you to make up for his or her present emptiness and frustrations, at this point, remain focused and do not be tempted to either use the situation as a revenge mission or try to prove that you are still the best for him or her. If of you are single, re-union may be a rewarding possibility, but when one of the party is married, such re-union can only spell doom.

Where the relationship was within a close distance, you may think of relocating, changing job, or getting a transfer. Moving away from your point of pain does not mean you have not dealt with the issue, it simply means you are taking wise steps to protect your future peace and happiness. People who chose to stay may find themselves going in and coming out of the same relationship a couple of times without making any progress.

It is possible you may argue that you have related with your ex lover for years now even as a married person without doing anything wrong, the question you ask yourself are these, is your spouse aware of this your friendship, does this friendship honour your current relationship, would you be happy if your spouse has a similar relationship outside your knowledge? If you can sincerely answer all the above questions in the affirmative, then I will say, go on living in your two worlds, past and present, but be wary of the future.

 I wish to remind you that, in the land of temptation, cowardice is a huge virtue, as a matter of fact, it is only cowards that overcome temptations – they simply take to their heels.  Some love to play the hero for their exs, What about your spouse, the very person who saw the hero in you even when it was not so obvious and got married to you? Respect your current relationship, stay within your bounds!!

3 Ds of Infidelity in Marriage

Dear Readers,

Today is not a day for long story. I just want to inspire you or de-motivate you (depending on which side of the divide you are) with what I feel are the three top dangers of infidelity.

I have come to discover that people will always do whatever they have to do at a particular point in their life, but we find encouragement in pushing out the message hoping that, just one person will re-consider and think again.

Back to the issue, what are the three top consequences of infidelity, at least while we are still on planet earth?

Disease/Death - STDs, some very incurable and highly transferable. Straying from your matrimonial bed is a very high risk venture. Well, some believe that man must die somehow, someday. But why do you want to die before your time?

Disgrace - Wao, many mighty men and women have fallen and great plans aborted due to the shame and scandal of an infidelity blown open. Hey, it is not only religious people that get disgraced, ask Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods or DSK.

Destabilisation - Everyone desires a stable family. Infidelity accounts for half of divorce cases. Half of us may not forgive a cheating spouse caught red handed. What does that do? Another lost dream to build a suitable nest to raise a family gone down the drain.

It can be more, please feel free to bring them on.